Ok, so me and my boyfriend of 2 years and Two weeks broke up on Saturday...
It was a mutual break-up, and I was fine with it when we decided it should happen, because I knew it was for the best, but of course now I'm completely devastated. I don't know how I'm going to cope.
I loved him so much, and he meant absolutely everything to me.
I've never, ever fit in with society, I'm a complete outcast. I just can't function in society. I don't know who I am, I'm just completely lost in this world. I don't belong here, I never have and never will. I don't know how to function as a human being. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act?
I don't belong to this world. Was my existence a mistake, or just a sick, cruel joke?
At least when I was with him, I felt like I belonged somewhere, even if it was just in the world I shared with him, in his arms.
He helped me so much. He pulled me out of my depression, he helped me gain some confidence, he made me feel better about how I looked, he helped me get out of a potential eating disorder before it was too late and I was too far gone, he helped me make friends with some of the people at college, he helped me lose some of the fear of going out to socialise a little bit, he got me a job where he works, he helped me pass my Maths GCSE...
He's done so much for me, and now we're not together. Now I've got to go back to being the shy, scared girl, hiding in a corner because no-one wants her around, but now she has no-one to reassure her that she is wanted, and that people do like her, and that everyone around her aren't out to get her, and that she's a lovely, beautiful girl and he loves her, and cherishes her, and that she means everything to him, and he wants to hold her in his arms forever and keep her safe from all of her own irrational fears, because he knows she's scared and needs comforting, but not just by anyone, by him, because she loves him, and she knows he loves her back.
But now he doesn't love her anymore, not as anything more than a good friend. She's no longer his everything. She's no longer his 'baby', his 'sweetheart', his 'Muffin'. She's nothing. She's just cold dry ash, resting on his mantle, the cold dry ash she wants to be, the cold, dry ash she wants cancer to turn her into, the cancer she wants to spread through her body and become terminal, the cancer she wants to be incurable, the cancer she wants her last breath taken away by.
These feelings will pass, she knows they will. She doesn't want them to, she's afraid of their absence. She wants to love him forever, but not if he doesn't love her back, but he doesn't love her, so the feelings must go. They will subside. They'll leave her in peace and leave her, not necessarily happy, but perhaps somewhat content. Tranquil even. She can't wait until they leave, she wants the pain to go away, to forget that he ever meant anything to her, or maybe even that he ever existed. A nice bit of amnesia could do the trick.
No, she'll be okay. She'll learn to relax, she'll get on with her life. She'll still be quite afraid of what's awaiting her in the future, but she'll be okay. She's not sure right now if she'll ever allow herself to be in a relationship ever again, in fact she might go cellibut forever. These feelings will probably pass too in a few weeks, a few months, but for now she'll have to learn to cope.
But then the only problem is, they're still friends, and they'll still see a lot of eachother. What about when he gets a new girlfriend? Will she flip and go crazy, and hate the girl forever, and remember her feelings for the boy and be led to cry in secret for days? Or will she just accept it and leave him to be happy? Right now, of course, she's only concerned for her own happiness, but would only persue that happiness, if that happiness would also make the boy happy. She'd like to think that, when the time comes, she'd respect him and let him be happy with this new girl, but she'd always be wondering if her loves this new girl more than he ever loved her.
She hopes not. She wants to be his number-one girl forever...